Easter

First blog in a while due to stress and overwhelm. It is cathartic to write the blogs, but it also can feel like another item on the to-do list.

Quick note about lists: I have giant paper sticky to-do lists, different lists of tasks in multiple iMessage chats with friends who are helping me with various things, several Notes app to-do lists with some shared and some not, an iMessage chat with myself, Pinterest boards used as to-do lists, and Home Depot shopping lists and carts built under different Google Chrome account profiles. I am an organizational mess and it’s killing me. My budget spreadsheet is a couple of weeks out of date. I have no receipts from anything. I just have things around the house vaguely sorted in old joint compound and mortar buckets “electrical,” “hand tools,” “hardware,” and similar categories.

I’ve decided on a new system that should hopefully help me out a little. I’m doing giant stickies specific to each room, with the to-do list at the top and a furnishing/buy list at the bottom. Compartmentalization always helps me, and that’s where I’ve really struggled over the last several weeks. It is no exaggeration to say that I think about the house every waking hour. I (usually) work before and after my regular job and 10–12 hours on the weekend, and even then when I’m in bed at 9:30pm, I’m scrolling Facebook Marketplace or YouTube looking for shelving or watching pocket door trim videos. And the first thing I do when I wake up is make a new, unrealistic list in a new format or location for what should get done that day.

This weekend was Easter, and I’m lucky enough to have family that will come help with something as inglorious as the house. Mason left work early Thursday, drove five hours from South Carolina, worked two twelve-hour days and a morning doing all the tasks that were new to him or that really suck, and then hiked back to SC. Dad flew in Saturday morning and instantly got under the house, clearing out AC vents and servicing the condenser unit. Mom got in Wednesday and worked until Monday, at least ten hours a day, up on ladders painting overhead with extension rods, scraping and cleaning, all while fielding subjective questions based on personal taste. Pretty incredible.

And I was really not. It was less that I wasn’t productive and more that I haven’t been around people who really know me in a long time, and my family was pretty worried to see where I was at mentally and emotionally. I know I’m a perfectionist and that I’m overwhelmed and the scope keeps increasing, etc., but I didn’t really realize how much negative energy I was putting out until this weekend. Seeing it bother other people made me even more annoyed, and overall I’m not proud of my attitude over the three-day marathon. I’ve never been so stressed, exhausted, frustrated, and scared—but being a downer who can’t pull it together for my family, who traveled across the country to crawl around in the dirt and help me make my house a place I’ll be happy living, is pretty pathetic.

Getting upset even now writing and reflecting on this. But I’ll take it as a wake-up call to try and adjust mentally. I don’t know how though, because I do not want to slow down at all. If I hadn’t been at this breakneck speed since closing day, I would be even more behind, so that doesn’t seem like an option. People say to focus on the progress, but my whole life revolves around the to-do lists right now, so I’m not sure what that would even look like.

There are moments where I really am in love with the house, and I do see the progress, and it keeps me motivated. But even in the bathroom, for example, with the gorgeous tile and skylight shower, I see a register box that doesn’t fit the floor vent, a pocket door that I have a vision for that will take days to achieve, a stand-in pendant light made from an old bowl I drilled a hole in because I haven’t been able to get in the studio in months, an untrimmed window without a privacy screen, no baseboard, no mirror, hooks, toilet paper holder, or bath mat. It’s not that I don’t like the bathroom - it’s really one of the nicest rooms in the house - but I don’t feel like I can enjoy it until my lists are crossed off, because until then, there is work to be done and money to be spent.

I am excited to start moving some things in, though. Once I have some of my own things set up in the new house, maybe it will feel less like a project in progress and more like somewhere I can relax. I doubt it, though. All I want to do is work on it, and it’s a compulsive, obsessive drive that is definitely unhealthy. My mom said something to the effect that I am tying too much of my identity up in how the house is coming out, but of course I am—there is nothing I pride myself more on than my work ethic, design taste, and ability to execute. I don’t want to hang my head when I’m giving people a tour. That was another wake-up call.

Two groups of friends dropped in to visit, and I couldn’t say one nice thing about the house while they were walking around, despite their words of encouragement. How do I take a break and make a mental shift without sacrificing productivity or attention to detail? I sound insane. But okay, all of this is happening and I’m making progress. Blah, blah, blah.

The big thing still hanging over my head is the same as in February: windows. What the hell am I supposed to do about those? I have flimsy plastic film currently protecting my home from the elements, broken pieces that are way out of square, no sills inside or out, an outdated design that I don’t know enough about, and I don’t feel like I have time to do sufficient research to build such a critical part of the house in the time I feel I need them.

The guy I’m subletting my room to is a scenic carpenter who builds sets, shows, and galas for the likes of Netflix and other production companies. I’m hoping he will be able to help me get going, but he’s working overtime for the next several weeks, and this really needs to be priority number one. It’s a problem when it rains because it’ll get wet inside, and it’s a problem when it’s hot because I don’t want to turn on the AC and waste energy cooling the whole block.

This isn’t even on any of my lists because I’m too daunted by the task. I just need someone to break the ice for me so I can get moving, but I’m frozen in fear. I have no idea why. It’s just wood in different shapes—that’s my element. So why am I so scared? I don’t know, but I need to get over it. I need windows more than I need wall switch-operated, cascading, wireless Noguchi pendants - but which do you think I spent this morning game-planning?

QC